Cherchez la femme
by Neverendingimagination
Summary: literally look for the woman. Ghosts of the past may haunt her with pain and misery but they can also reunite her with the happiest times of her life.
1. Chapter 1

**I do not own any of the main characters, however much I would love to. **

This was supposed to be a one shot but it gained such momentum I had to extend it, it is a four parter. I will get more of Revenge is Sweet written, I had a bit of writers block after seeing Judgement Day but it is on the way.

* * *

_**Denial: Refusal to acknowledge an unacceptable truth or emotion.**_

She leaned back in her chair, relaxing against the soft leather; she rested her fingers on the edge of her desk and breathed deeply. She jerked her head to the side flicking her hair from her eyes; she tensed for a few seconds and gripped the edge of her desk tightly. She sighed and stared into space as she pulled open her drawer slowly. She couldn't sit here all day reliving it; it would do her no good, she sat forwards and hesitated before looking down into the drawer and lifting a photograph out. A small smile played upon her lips before she closed her eyes tightly and cupped her face in her hands. She stifled a sob and held the photograph to her chest for a few seconds before hastily returning it to the drawer.

She stood up and caught her reflection in the cabinet; she took several deep breaths and checked her make-up ensuring her stony, calm exterior was perfected before picking up her coat and bag and heading outside to her car. She was greeted by her detail and climbed into the back of the car. She knew what she had to do or it would haunt her for the rest of her life.

Almost as soon as she arrived at NCIS headquarters she was bombarded with case files and requests, Jethro, Tony and his update, Jethro, SecNav, Jethro, the director of the FBI and guess what, Jethro again. The one day of the year she would rather not see him managed to turn into the day where he was stood around every corner and on the other side of every door.

The looks on the faces of every occupant of the bullpen as she turned away from her latest confrontation with Jethro told her everyone would be avoiding her for at least the foreseeable future. She slammed her office door behind her and began pacing up and down the room, she needed to go, she needed to see it, she needed to accept it and move on, but how could she do that if she was being escorted everywhere like a four year old being taken to the toilet.

Tony headed towards the directors office, he pushed open the door and looked inside, he turned round to Cynthia, 'where is she?' 'She's in her office Special Agent DiNozzo,' Tony folded his arms and raised his eyebrows as he looked back inside, 'hmm her office looks clear to me,' Cynthia leapt up from her seat, 'what? She didn't leave her office,' she followed Tony inside the office. The room was empty, 'she didn't walk right past me,' Tony looked out of the window behind Jenny's desk, 'very mission impossible.'

He decided he would find her himself, he wouldn't involve Gibbs it was more than both of their lives were worth to tell him she had ditched her protection detail. He also decided if he didn't find her in an hour he would have to call in reinforcements then after three hours he would probably have to contact Gibbs and put himself at his mercy for not telling him sooner.

Jenny slipped into the hustle and bustle of the city streets and blended in with the crowd, she'd had plenty of practice over the years and it had become second nature. She pulled her sunglasses on and hoisted her bag higher onto her shoulder, how she had managed to escape NCIS headquarters unnoticed was beyond her, she was in plain view after she had sneaked out when Cynthia had taken a trip to the restroom. Out into the parking lot and driven out alone and no one had questioned it, 'incompetent' would be stamped across all personnel files of those in security today. Not even noticing the Director of NCIS leaving the building, not even questioning it, ridiculous, it's a federal agency for heavens sake, she thought as she wandered around before hailing a taxi.

She took her time as she headed towards the expensive flower boutique, she wasn't sure what to buy or what the point of buying flowers was, no one was going to enjoy them, she certainly wasn't planning to hang around to watch them wilt and die like everything else in her life, it was just something you did, buy flowers to put beside a loved one's grave.

She was just going through the motions, she walked inside and looked around at the bunches of fresh flowers. So many colours and sizes to choose from, she was confused and dazed by the smells and shapes, the heads leering at her with their lurid colours and huge posies. She backed away from the exotic and bright and found the smaller, more delicate colours and petals of Crocuses, Pansies, Bluebells and Chrysanthemums. She watched the carnations in the slight breeze and the soft delicate shapes of the Cerise Roses before finding herself entranced by the soft lilac glow of Statis.

She picked out a bunch of flowers and inhaled their sweet scent, they brought a tear to her eye and she cradled them as she headed to pay for them. The cashier smiled sympathetically as she took the cash and nodded her on her way outside. Jenny stopped at the white gates and stared out at the mass of white blocks on the thick carpet of sickly green grass. The last day she had been here was the day she buried him, the day she tried and failed to say goodbye to him, she had never loved anyone as much as she loved him. She would have done anything to save him.

Tony decided his best bet was to check with the security guards at the gates when Jenny had left, and what she had with her. He looked in through the window and caught the attention of the portly man reading a newspaper. 'Hey, just wondering what time the director left, she's got a new driver, bit slow, checking on how long it took him to get her to her appointment.' The guard stared at him, 'the director? Not seen her since she arrived this morning,' Tony stared at him, 'are you sure? 'Cos I know she came through this way, who else was on duty?'

'Todd,' 'where is he?' 'Went to use the restroom, I doubt he saw her come through, her car never came through here.' Tony nodded, 'I'll wait for him to come back.' After a very long and tedious conversation with the greying 'Todd' he finally found out that Jenny had left around fifteen minutes ago, alone and in an unmarked vehicle. He headed to the parking lot and jumped into his usual SUV trying to think where she may have headed.

He drove around the city centre thinking she may have been after privacy and retail therapy; according to Abby it was very relaxing to find a new pair of 6" platform boots with studs all over them. He watched the people on the sidewalk searching for someone with red hair, and a suit, several times he spotted redheads but each was accompanied by children or too tall, or too casually dressed to be Jenny. He was reaching for his phone to call McGee and Abby for help when he spotted a woman alone on the sidewalk; she hailed a taxi and looked around her as she climbed in. He recognised her immediately and followed the taxi out of town towards the cemetery. He waited at the other end of the street as she paid the driver and walked into the flower boutique, she was in there a good ten minutes before she returned with a bunch of lilac flowers and looked up at the rows upon rows of grave stones.

She took a deep breath and walked up the chalk white path trying to ignore the hundreds of brilliant white stones on either side of her, reminding her of the loss and pain. She fought to maintain her composure as she walked onwards, the flowers still cradled in her arms as she caressed them lovingly.

Tony followed her quietly as she led him further and further into the cemetery, he waited for her to turn off and walk towards one of the large expensive stones but she didn't, she continued towards the most heartbreaking section of the cemetery. The grave stones that bring a tear to each and every person that see them, in silent sympathy for those mourning the most tragic of losses.

**_Fait accompli: a thing that has been done or decided and cannot now be altered_**


	2. Chapter 2

Thanks for the reviews, as its written I can't see a reason to keep you waiting for more :)

* * *

_**Nil desperandum : Do not despair**_

She could feel her hands and legs shaking as she neared the grave stone, it was so tiny, no more than a foot wide. Shaking she lifted the flowers from the paper wrapping and placed them in the small hole. She stared in silence at the tiny plot of land where he lay and thought of his tiny white coffin, no more than two foot by three feet. She traced the outline of the white marble headstone glinting in the sunlight, and ran her fingers over each letter as she read the inscription.

Tomas Jasper Shepard,

16th May 2000 – 29th June 2002

Son of Jenny Shepard

You will float in peace among

the clouds with the angels for eternity

It was close as she could get to him now, her little boy taken from her in the blink of an eye. She would never forget that day, that terrible day. She pictured him walking along beside her grinning from ear to ear, his blue eyes shining in the bright sunlight.

_She was holding his hand tightly as they waited for the man to go green, she pointed at the sign and he watched it eagerly waiting for it to change. The light turned green and she led him out into the road, as he jumped onto the sidewalk his hat fell off and he turned to pick it up. His hand slipped from hers, as she turned to grab him back she felt someone push her onto the sidewalk, heard the screeching of brakes and saw him fall onto the concrete like a rag doll._

_She was on her knees beside him touching his ghostly white face; his eyes flickered open as he fought to breathe. He gripped her fingers with his small hand for a second before his arm fell limp and his chest stopped moving. Shaking her head, tears streaming down her cheeks she scooped him into her arms and held him to her. She stroked his soft brown hair and sobbed into his shoulder._

_Arms found hers and hands prised at her hands trying to take Tomas from her, she held onto him more tightly before someone forced her arms away. Through her tears she saw the EMT's trying to revive him, his arms and legs splayed awkwardly and his chest being forced up and down. She didn't remember doing anything or saying anything, she was in a state of extreme shock. All the witness statements said she flew at the EMT's screaming at them to stop hurting him, she was quoted as saying 'I don't want anyone else to hurt him, he's hurt enough.'_

_Everything else was a blur that day, the journey to the hospital, apparently she had sat in silence as an EMT performed heart massage in the back of the vehicle, she had stared at the metal doors, tears silently pouring down her cheeks as she waited for the doctor to tell her what she already knew, DOA, she had heard them say to each other. She knew that already, he had gone in those seconds he lay in her arms._

_She stood outside the ER in a daze, she was numb, she was shaking and clinging onto his coat as the rain started, she didn't know how long she had been standing there, time didn't matter, nothing mattered. She was soaked to the bone and hypothermic when a nurse took her back inside, she asked her if there was anyone she could call for her. She shook her head silently wishing she had told Jethro, wishing she had knocked on his door and told him about their son when she had the chance._

Tony stood in silence as he watched her stroke the white marble, he could hear her stifled sobs and sniffs. He didn't want to intrude in her grief but at the same time he didn't want to leave her alone, he lifted one foot to step backwards and accidentally kicked a stone, he cursed under his breath as he slowly looked up and found a pair of green eyes boring into his.

'What are you doing here Tony?' She tried to hide her tear stained cheeks and be her usual controlled self, he played along and shrugged his shoulders, 'you lost your protection detail and I didn't wanna be the one to have to tell Gibbs,' he widened his eyes and nodded seriously. She folded her arms and raised her eyebrows, he rolled his eyes from left to right and back again quickly, 'awkward silence, I'll give you a minute then I think we ought'a get back to headquarters before anyone notices you're missing?'

'Let's go,' she started down the path towards the gates. Realising he wasn't behind her she stopped and stared at him, he jumped and ran the few feet towards her and walked quickly by her side back to his car. They climbed in silently and Tony started the engine, as he pulled away he opened his mouth to speak and closed it again, 'Erm, Jenny? I was wondering wh…' 'my son,' she interrupted him looking out of the window, 'hit by a car, died almost instantly, six years ago,' Tony concentrated on the road ahead noticing the quaver in her voice she fought to hide. They drove back to NCIS headquarters hardly speaking, Tony thought she deserved a little time to herself.

Ziva was pacing up and down staring out of the glass window waiting for Tony to return. She stopped moving when she saw his car pull in; she squinted through the glass when she saw a second figure in his passenger seat. The figure applied lipstick and touched up her mascara an eye shadow before climbing out, Ziva's jaw dropped when she realised who it was and what they might have been doing.

'McGee come here!' 'What is it?' 'Look at this,' McGee rolled his eyes and dragged himself up from his chair and stood beside her. 'What am I looking at?' 'Tony and his car, look who he is with,' she pointed excitedly, 'that has to mean something,' McGee squinted and realised it was the directors shoulders Tony was giving a reassuring squeeze, he raised his eyebrows as he turned to look at Ziva, 'they look cosy.' Ziva nodded and smirked, together they strained to watch as Tony and the director walked towards the entrance side by side. 'Who looks cosy?' Gibbs asked as he looked out of the window beside Ziva and McGee and took a swig from his coffee cup.

'Boss,' McGee jumped away from the window quickly, 'Who looks cosy McGee?' 'Tony and the director,' Ziva replied sidling back towards her desk, 'uh huh, when have you made your appointments for?' 'what appointments?' Ziva asked, 'to get your eyesight tested, you seem to need glasses more than I do.' He walked towards his desk and placed the coffee cup down before turning around, 'anything more interesting than the argument over a scratched Honda at the naval base yet?' 'Nope, although the women in the dispute have made further complaints against each other, weed killer in flower pots, paint thrown at fences and the head chopped off a rare orchid to add to the list.'

Gibbs rolled his eyes and shook his head, 'wonderful,' he stopped and looked up at the sounds of Tony's voice, he was grinning from ear to ear beside the director who was wearing a bemused expression on the floor above. 'Okay Tony, I suggest you quit while you're ahead,' Jenny emphasised the last word and laughed a little as she spoke, then rolled her eyes at Tony's blank expression. 'I'd, better, get back, to work,' Jenny turned and started walking towards her office. Gibbs narrowed his eyes at the smile on Jenny's lips, 'Oh, a head, I get it,' he called after Jenny, she stopped and turned around obviously amused, 'getting caught in the crossfire of cat and dog poop, a human toilet,' he laughed at the joke and seemed to find it hilarious. Jenny rolled her eyes and laughed at him, 'I do hope you're not always this slow on the uptake, although, you were a lot faster earlier,' he nodded grinning, 'you know where I am if, you know,' she smiled knowingly and nodded as she turned back towards her office.

Tony grinned to himself and watched her close the door, he froze and his face fell as he realised he was being watched. Gibbs was glaring at Jenny's door as Ziva was smirking at him and McGee was looking at him in awe and amusement. 'DiNozzo, when you've finished, get down here and do some work,' he hurried down the stairs and slipped behind his desk in seconds. 'Sorry boss,' Gibbs picked up his coffee and walked straight past him towards the elevator. 'What did I miss, what happened?'

Ziva stood up and grinned, 'I suggest you quit while you're a head,' 'oh, a head, I get it,' McGee started to laugh with Ziva mockingly; Tony frowned and stared at his computer screen. 'So, where did you go?' McGee asked leaning back on his chair, 'to er, late lunch, very late lunch,' 'right, course, at…' he looked at his watch, 'quarter to four in the afternoon, you've been gone over an hour,' Tony looked over at McGee and gave him a Gibbs stare. 'What did you do at 'lunch' Tony?' Ziva asked smirking, 'Er, I ate,' he replied sarcastically before looking back at his computer screen. 'Course you did,' she nodded smirking as she headed back to her seat.

_**Assume: Accept as truth without proof**_


	3. Chapter 3

**_Entre nous : Between ourselves_**

'Gibbs! What brings you here oh great one?' Abby ran towards Gibbs grinning from ear to ear, 'Gibbs what is it? You look like you need a hug,' she threw her arms around Gibbs and hugged him tightly, 'thanks Abs,' She squeezed him tightly and pinned his arms to his sides, 'Abby,' 'Shhhhh Gibbs, you need a big hug,' 'Abby, I can't breathe,' she jumped back quickly, 'sorry Gibbs, you gonna tell me what's up?'

'Imagine, a man and a woman, colleagues, disappear from the premises at the same time, and return in the same car, he has his arm around her and when they come in they are joking together, and she makes a comment which could have an alternative meaning,' 'like she could be insinuating they had …' 'yeah, and he couldn't keep his eyes off her, what would you make of it?' Abby folded her arms and pulled a thinking face, she tilted her head to the side, 'well they could just be good friends, but it does sound like there could be more to it, what did she say?' Gibbs sighed, ''I do hope you're not always this slow on the uptake, although you were a lot faster earlier,' and then he grinned,' Abby hugged Gibbs again, 'it's the director isn't it,' she rubbed his back as he stood pinned to the spot, 'oh Gibbs.'

Abby ran beside Gibbs into the bullpen and found Tony, Ziva and McGee sitting at their desks. She stopped beside Tony's desk and she turned to speak to Gibbs, he had continued forward towards the elevator and slammed his coffee cup into the bin. 'Is he alright, don't think I've seen him this mad in a while,' McGee gulped looking at Abby, 'I think he's upset because he…' Tony's phone rang and interrupted her, 'DiNozzo, yea, I'll be right up,' he stood up and Abby finished, 'he thinks the director has a boyfriend.' She nodded knowingly, 'a boyfriend? Or a toy boy Tony? Where are you slinking off to?' Ziva asked inquisitively, 'the director wants to see me, Abby, why does he think she has a, well I wouldn't call it boyfriend, partner maybe?' 'They left together earlier and arrived back together, he had his arm around her when they returned and when they were joking she insinuated that they um, had sex,' she stood looking the picture of innocence as Ziva and McGee snorted. 'Tony, ask her if she has got a 'partner' please, for me.' Abby smiled sweetly and Tony practically ran up the stairs to hide his horrified expression, 'course I will Abby.'

'Oh, great, my boss thinks I'm sleeping with his boss, could it get any worse?' he asked himself as he reached Jenny's door, he took a deep breath and pushed it open. 'Hey,' she was stood in front of her desk and looked up as he closed the door, 'you wanted to see me.' She nodded her head and her bottom lip trembled, her eyes became glassy before she looked away hurriedly, her left arm curled around her front so that her fingers were visible on her right shoulder. He heard her stifled sob and placed his hand on her shoulder comfortingly, he didn't quite know what to do; would it be inappropriate to place his other hand on her right shoulder? Almost in response to his unspoken question she turned around visibly crying, he raised his arms and slipped them around her shoulders.

She gripped his collar tightly using him for support, he froze for a second, he wasn't used to this. He wanted to comfort her but he still didn't know the boundaries, or what would push them, or just plain destroy them. After a few seconds he changed his grip, if someone is crying like this you comfort them, rule number 18, it is better to beg forgiveness than ask permission.

He tightened his grip around her and began to rub her back gently, soothingly, she relaxed into his arms and he held her as she cried heavily into his suit, 'I'm sorry,' she told his breast pocket as she cried, 'I didn't ask you to come here to…' a fresh wave of tears prevented her from finishing her sentence. He looked around uncomfortably as she tightened her grip on him, 'I, I um, er, I know, don't, don't worry,' she continued to cry and he continued to rub her back gently, he made the right soothing noises and found his hand higher up her back stroking her hair, her head seeming to fit perfectly beneath his chin as her hands slipped around his neck.

He sensed she was calming down and slipped his hand into his pocket to pull out a tissue, she leaned back slightly and forced a tiny smile in thanks as she took the tissue with one hand, leaving the other around his neck. She dabbed at her cheeks with the tissue and looked up at him, 'I asked you to come see me because I wanted you to keep quiet about earlier, the last thing I need is for Gibbs to find out.'

He nodded looking down into her eyes, they were shining with the remains of the tears she had shed, and were looking into his. 'Thank you,' she said quietly, looking into his hazel eyes, 'for what?' he asked quieter still, his arms were still around her, something she was well aware of. 'Being there earlier, and now.' She was moving closer to him, he froze, before he had a chance to think she had pressed her lips against his and he had responded to her tongue trying to slip inside his mouth.

Neither were sure how they had got where they were, against her desk moving clumsily with one another, gradually falling into a fluid rhythm, moving as one. He heard her moaning low in each breath she took and the name she nearly called as she came, the stifled syllable, the hurried replacement of 'Tony,' falling from her lips, it sounded shrill, forced, and cold on her tongue. She hated herself for it and looked at his chest they held each other panting, her legs wrapped around his waist. She swallowed nervously and looked up at him, he stroked her jaw with his thumb, she could see in his eyes he was as shocked as she was at what had happened. 'Tell him,' were the only words he spoke as he passed her, her underwear and straightened out his suit and zipped up his flies. She was frozen to the spot as he left, she looked down at the pink lace in her hand and wept as she pulled them back on, straightened her skirt and fastened the buttons on her blouse. What had she done?

As Tony left the office, still in shock, he spotted Gibbs leaning against the railings; he turned to look at him and knew what was coming. In silence they walked towards the elevator and let the doors close, Gibbs flicked the switch plunging them into darkness and stopping the elevator suddenly. 'Boss, I,' 'Me first, I don't have a problem with what you and Jenny are doing outside of work, just make sure you do it outside of work, but I wanna make one thing crystal clear, you break her heart and I'll break you. You got that DiNozzo?' Tony nodded, Gibbs could be terrifying when he wanted to, he flicked the switch back on and the lift began to head down again. 'You should know one thing though boss…' he was interrupted by the doors opening and Gibbs flying out.

'Boss!' he called out as Gibbs stormed towards McGee and Ziva, a door above them opened and feet hurried along the walkway, Gibbs stopped suddenly and Tony reached his side, 'boss, she,' he followed Gibbs gaze up to the red head rushing towards the elevator, her coat on and her bag in her arms, tears were streaming down her face and Cynthia was behind her, 'Director? Director,' Gibbs turned to Tony his face contorted with rage, 'what did you do?' He snarled as he pinned Tony to the glass window by his throat, 'Jethro,' 'Gibbs,' 'What's going on?'

Gibbs turned to his left and saw the form of his old friend dressed to go home looking horrified, beside him a scared looking Abby. He released his grip on Tony's throat slightly, 'What did you do?' He snapped seeing the fear etched onto Tony's face, 'Jethro, let him go,' he released him angrily looking to the owner of the voice for an explanation. 'He did nothing wrong,' she swallowed nervously at the scene before her, glad the bullpen was empty aside from Gibbs and his team. It would be much easier to contain the situation.

Gibbs stared at her, shocked at the speed in which her tears had disappeared. 'What happened?' 'Nothing, Tony just followed me because I'm getting very good at losing my protection detail,' 'Something must have happened to make you cry like that,' she looked at the floor, 'yeah,' she slipped her hand into her bag and pulled out a small piece of white card, maybe 6x4 inches. She handed it to Gibbs, 'he was killed crossing a road six years ago today, I went to lay flowers on his grave,' she allowed a tear to fall as she turned to leave the building.

_**Regret: Feel or express sorrow or disappointment about something one has done or which one should have done.**_


	4. Chapter 4

Thank you all so much for reviewing, it means a lot. This is the last part, I hope you like it.

* * *

**_Fear: An unpleasant emotion, caused by the threat of danger, pain or harm._**

Gibbs hand shook as he looked at the photograph, it was Jenny in her back yard, she was sitting on her knees and smiling widely. Her arms were wrapped around a little boy, he had her smile and her large eyes, but they were blue, the same shade as his. Jenny was pointing towards the camera and he was following where she was pointing, he was holding a stuffed purple dinosaur under his arm, Barney. That dinosaur, the light brown curls, his beautiful son; his giggle that always brought sunshine to his day.

'Jen,' she stopped at the elevator, 'I'm sorry, I was, I'm sorry, I was just so,' she walked back towards him, 'so what?' 'Scared,' he whispered, his voice cracking 'How do you think I felt? The prospect of going ahead with the pregnancy, having a baby and bringing it up on my own, being a single mom working for NCIS, I was terrified, when I needed you the most you weren't there, you were never there,' she was right in front of him now, her eyes alight with passionate fury, her hair seeming to crackle.

'Jen, please,' she stared at him, waiting for him to speak, 'I was so scared, of,' 'of what Jethro, spit it out,' she knew what he was scared of but she wanted to hear it from his own lips, 'I was there when Tomas died, I was there when he was born, I was there before he was born. Pregnancy suited you Jen, you looked great,' he looked at her astonished face, he realised they were surrounded by his team and felt uncomfortable, he turned to Tony, 'I'm, um, you know, the glass,' he nodded, 'I didn't take it personally,' 'can we continue this outside Jen,' she nodded, also wanting some privacy to talk about their son and get her head around what he had just told her.

He picked up his keys and led her towards the elevator; she walked beside him quietly, still shocked. The doors closed and they headed down to the basement parking lot, they climbed into Gibbs car and he started the engine, 'you were there?' she asked as they started on their journey. He nodded.

'I followed you, I made sure you were never alone, especially when you were due, when you went into labour in the park,' her expression softened, 'a man flagged down a taxi for me, he paid for it to take me to the hospital, I never saw his face, that was...' 'me, I followed you in another taxi, I slipped into the labour ward, I pretended I needed to talk to one of the midwives, I disguised myself in scrubs and a mask and I stayed with you for nine hours, 43 minutes, until this tiny baby boy was wrapped up and placed in your arms, he was red, skinny, screaming, and boy was he ugly but he was the most perfect, most beautiful thing I'd ever seen.'

He caught Jenny's eye as she smiled, 'I also got two broken fingers,' Jenny laughed slightly and bit her lip, 'I thought I'd broken a nurses fingers, I'm glad it was you, you suffered a fragment of my pain,' 'you were shouting something about causing me immense pain, when you got your hands on me every time you had a contraction, and you were slowly crushing my fingers, ironic.' She laughed, 'I got my own back,' he nodded grinning, 'you sure did,' she grinned back, 'they asked me what I was going to call him, and I asked you what your name was,' 'I said the first thing that came into my head, Tomas, then you looked at him and said, 'Tomas, are you a Tomas,' then he gurgled and you smiled and kissed his head and said 'hello Tomas.'

She nodded and looked out of the window, she saw the familiar form of her town house before them, 'come inside with me, please,' he turned off the engine and nodded, 'course I will Jen.' Together they walked into the dark hall and he followed her into her kitchen, 'coffee?' he nodded and she made them a mug each, ground not instant. 'I wanna show you something, upstairs,' he nodded.

He followed her up the staircase and into her room, she set her mug down a coaster on her bedside table and bent down to open a drawer. He sat down on the edge of her bed and watched as she pulled out a white leather photo album, she turned it towards him and opened the first page. He ran his finger over the protective surface shielding the picture of their son; she sat down beside him and curled her legs underneath her.

'After he was born I watched from outside, watched you every evening as you drew the curtains with him in your arms,' she smiled, thinking of those evenings holding her son as she closed all her curtains and prepared to put him down for the night. 'Then when you went back to work, I sneaked in to see him, at least twice a week I came in and spent a couple of hours with him. I told him I was his daddy and I brought him Barney, didn't you ever wonder where it came from?' She nodded, 'I asked Rachael, the nanny, she said she bought it for him, she caught you didn't she, how did you bribe her to keep quiet?' 'An extra ten bucks each day I came, when I gave him that Barney doll he held onto it so tight and screamed when I tried to take it back again,' 'he wouldn't sleep without it after that, he always had it with him, where ever he was, I buried him with it, that way they would always be together.'

Gibbs wrapped his arm around her and rubbed her arm, 'I know,' she sniffed and crept closer to Gibbs, 'he was constantly muttering about his daddy, most of his words were jibberish, I never knew what he meant, daddy this and daddy that, any idea what Barney Daddy means, he used to chant it all the time.' Gibbs laughed, 'not a clue, but when he was with me he always chanted Barney Mommy, maybe he wondered why Mommy and Daddy were never together,' Jenny nodded, 'One night I remember he screamed and screamed, daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy, he refused to sleep and just screamed, I was so tempted to call you to find out why he was screaming for you. I wish I had now.'

Together they flicked through the album, stopping on each page to share their memories. They slowly moved further back on the bed curled into each other, they were happy, thinking of their little boy and all his qualities, the things they saw in him from themselves and each other. As they reached the last page Gibbs sighed and saw the darkness outside, Jenny followed his gaze. 'Jethro, stay,' he looked into her eyes and nodded.

Jenny closed the album and placed it on the drawers, she closed the curtains and sat down beside Jethro, she looked into his eyes and saw what she had always seen. She placed a tender kiss on his lips and pulled back to see his reaction, he was looking at her the way he had done all those years ago. He ran his thumb along her jaw and pulled her close to him, he kissed her gently, and she smiled against his lips and ran her hands behind his head pulling him towards her. This is what she had wanted earlier, this is what she had craved, to feel his lips against hers, his gentle touch and the security he gave her as he held her, but instead she had...

'Jen,' he spoke as he pulled away slightly, 'mmm,' 'what happened with DiNozzo, he said there was something I should know,' she blushed as she brushed her lips against his, 'I was crying, he comforted me and I took it too far, he's easily led, but I hurt him,' he looked at her seriously, 'what did you do?' 'I called out your name,' she looked at the bedspread; she couldn't see the suppressed grin spreading across Gibbs face. She looked up, 'Gibbs its not funny, he was crushed, I feel awful.' 'At least now he knows he'll never measure up to me,' she laughed and kissed him again, pushing his head back onto the pillows.

She curled up beside him and entwined her fingers with his, 'what are you thinking?' He was staring up at the ceiling, 'Earlier you asked me what I was scared of,' she nodded quietly, 'I was scared of, of losing my family again, I didn't wanna lose you and the baby like I did Shannon and Kelly I thought if you left I couldn't curse you and the baby, you'd both be safer, but I couldn't stay away, I couldn't stay away, I had to make sure you were okay, I had to see Thomas.' He took a deep breath and held her hand gently, she didn't speak, she waited for him to finish, 'I love you like I do her, and I love him like I do Kelly, the idea of losing you and our child ripped me apart.

When I saw that car coming towards you both I just threw myself at you to get you out of the way, he'd let go of your hand, he just lay there, you screamed and ran to him and I stayed behind you. I watched you holding him and I couldn't move, you wouldn't give him to the EMT's they tried to take him from you, you wouldn't let go, I moved your arms away and they tried to help him.'

He looked into her eyes and saw his tears mirrored by hers, 'I followed you to the hospital, I sat outside on the bench, you were just stood there shaking, hugging his Barney, I wanted to hold you, I wanted you to hold me, but instead I ran, I ran into the dark.' She slipped her arm around him, and laid her head on his chest, 'I won't leave you lonely tonight, 'm here now, and I'm not going anywhere.'

A tear trickled down from his eye and landed on the mass of red hair, she was here, she was holding him tightly, he wrapped his arm around her and pulled her closer. He kissed her hair and found himself crying, 'I, I,' he desperately wanted to say it but couldn't form the words in english, he though back to his time in Paris and tried to find the words to explain how he felt. 'Je t'aime beaucoup mon amour, tu es ma rasion d'être**. **Merci pour donner moi un aîné. J'adore tu, j'ai toujours être tu,' she turned her head up to look at him, her face was wet with tears too, 'I love you too Jethro, and I don't want you going anywhere either. Tu es ma rasion d'être aussi.'

**_Raison d'être: the most important reason for someone__ or something's existence_**

P.S. I haven't written or spoken any french for four years, its going to be wrong in places - if anyone knows how to say it correctly please let me know how.


End file.
